Always the optimist, always strong, always able to keep moving forwards, always the one to listen and offer a shoulder to those in need, always brave.
Today I can’t face the world, I don’t want to be positive, I don’t want to be brave, I don’t care if other people have an issue or minor annoyance to deal with, I don’t want to be strong.
Today I want to scream, I want to throw things, I want to punch the floor and cry all the tears that I have. I want to lay in bed and not get out. I want to play angry music so loud it hurts my ears and is all I can hear. I want the rest of the world to stop and leave me alone.
And then, tomorrow I can be brave again, I can be strong again, I will welcome others into my arms and be prepared to help them cope with all the things that aren’t quiet right for them.
All I have wanted, all I have ever wanted in my life, for as long as I can remember is to grow a tiny human inside my big human self. To feel that mini me growing, kicking, moving around and existing within. To protect and love a tiny version of myself more than any other. To hold them, kiss them, love them, teach them, watch them grow into a wonderful, bigger tiny human and be proud to call them mine.
And now, despite trying all that I can, this will never be. I will never grow a tiny human inside me. It can’t happen. It won’t happen. For one reason or another the universe has decided that I cannot bare a child.
Is my heart broken – yes
Will I get past this – I hope so.
I know that tomorrow I will wake with a new perspective on the whole situation but right now, in this instant, NO. I don’t think I will ever get over it. There is an emptiness where there was hope, there is a pain in my chest that just will not give, a slump in my shoulders that I will never get rid of.
I know I am not alone, I know that I have options to adopt and can have children in my life but they will not be mine. I know I should be thankful that I am alive and well but I am not. I know I have a lot of people in my life that love me and I love in return, but will it ever be enough? I know I can go on adventures and holidays and have lots of fun without the worry or ties that come with parenthood, but I would like that choice to have been mine.
For those of you that are parents, please spare a thought for those of us that will never know what it is like to have a sleepless night because the little one has a cough, or having to decide what colour walls to have in their bedroom, or which nursery you want them to go to. Spare a though for when the kids have pissed you off for some reason or anther and you write a post about wanting to have a night off. Some of us would give all that we have and more to be in the situation you desperately want out of. Just think for a moment before you post another ultra sound picture where you can see the baby growing strong and some of us just see scars. Spare a thought for those that have worked tirelessly to pay for the ridiculously expensive treatment that has lead to nothing and spent years planning and putting their own lives on hold for nothing when you “weren’t even trying” and have everything.
Spare a thought before you say something that could hurt someone you love.